A Mirthfully Mephistophelian Look at Genesis

In the beginning, and a long time before the beginning, God played solitaire, seldom winning, and ruining His eyes because there was no light. "Let there be light!" God cried, but no one answered. So God created an angel with special responsibility for light. He was called Lucifer, Prince of Darkness. Lucifer later invented fire; thus he became Prince of Cold. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

When there was light, God saw that there was nothing to see. "Let there be a firmament," said God, adding under his breath, "We'll know what it is when We see it." And so there was a firmament, and it was blue, and God liked it. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

God felt the need for contrasting colors. He created earth colors and water colors. He created forest green, which begat chrome yellow, scarlet, alizarin crimson, and magenta; these God called fruit. God ate the fruit and put some in a bowl. And the evening and the morning were the third day.

It occurred to God that although there was plenty of light, it seemed to come from nowhere in particular. Philosophically as well as scientifically, it made no sense. Therefore, God made the sun, throwing away the failures that were too hot or the wrong color. You can still see them and they are called stars. He also made the moon and threw it away, and you can still see that, too. And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

God thought it was Friday and had a craving for fish. He created His favorites: cod, plaice, bluefish and flounder, plus whales and minnows for contrast, sea robins for a laugh, and sharks to put the fear of God into the rest. Then finding that it was only Thursday, He created fowl, especially chicken. God made other birds too, having in mind the cats, which were as yet only in the planning stage. And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

God warmed to His work. He made the conspicuous giraffe, then creatively gave him spots to make him inconspicuous; the bright-red lion was also revised. The tiger's stripes hid him from his prey. God believed in giving everyone a chance. He then asked Lucifer if he (Lucifer) thought that He (God) was beautiful. "You look very nice," Lucifer said. So God made a man in His own image, except without the beard. In a somewhat different image He made a woman, and the man and the woman were called Nicholas and Fiona. When Nicholas was permitted to name all the animals, he named himself and the woman Adam and Eve. And the man and the woman were naked and were not ashamed, but God was ashamed and not naked, because on the third day he had sampled the fruit. And the animals, who had been created male and female, knew all about sex; but Adam and Eve had no idea. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

On the seventh day, being pooped, God rested. He spent the day praying, and this was God's prayer: "Oh Almighty Me, keep the serpent away from the man and the woman, for I have created them stupid and gullible, whereas the serpent is too clever by half. The antelope can outrun the hyena and the bird can fly from the cat, but the man and the woman lack the resources to cope with the sophistries and blandishments of the wily serpent. Truly, I have stacked the deck and One can only hope for a miracle." And God replied to God's prayer saying, "A miracle is impossible." "That," said God, "is only a definition." "By your definitions," God replied, "You have programmed the sun to shine and you have programmed the serpent to be a serpent, etc. The miracle You want cannot now be performed even by You. You have given them free will, and that is the name of the game.

And the man and the woman played Free Will against God. They took chances, bought property, were fruitful and multiplied, went to jail, worshiped idols, turned to salt, mortgaged the railroads, mortgaged the air and the food supply. God asked Lucifer to take over and went back to solitaire. And the evening and the morning were every day.